TYRES IN THE MUD

When does communication become soul destroying? When there is no conversation! During a conversation, one conveys something! By merely churning out words communication becomes like a car tyre stuck in the mud. You can accelerate all you want but the wheel just spins spraying mud everywhere.

If there is no emotion, no warmth, no empathy or humour in a conversation, then you are not communicating – you are just a tyre in the mud – splattering boredom, breeding resentment and misunderstanding to the receiver of your garbled message.

Everything in life has a purpose and a shelf life. Especially relationships! We marry for so many reasons – companionship, love or to have children. That is the sole purpose of sharing time, space and resources with another human. Sometimes it works and sometimes it runs its course and expires because it has reached the end of its shelf life and the purpose is no longer valid.

A relationship with a parent is much the same. Though the bond with your child is strong, however much you love each other, they become the parallel track in your life as they become adults. Though they might run alongside, your life and theirs can never converge into a single track – that separation happened at birth and remains so until death.

Having a long conversation with a parent just to ‘unload’ one’s grievances achieves only one purpose – it stunts the relationship. A parent is not a counsellor especially when the counsel or advice they give is ignored. Parents are not geared to be the sole repository of wrong choices and when a communication is based solely on the needs of one, then conversation is nothing but a futile grinding of gears with nothing moving forward.

Expecting a spouse to serve one’s wants, expecting a parent to be of support long past the age of requiring it, wanting a friend to assume the role one desires based on one’s own needs – all these are just tyres churning the mud.

If this happens to you – you have to call a time out. Otherwise you become the mud and every revolution of that tyre that is going nowhere will only grind you deeper and deeper into that muck. When this happens, there is only one thing to do – grab the wheel, change gears and zoom away….

Nimmou Nilakantan

GO TO!

GO TO!

In life there are some things that are necessary, not to live, but to make life more livable…

Having a ‘go to’ place when you have reached the nadir of misery and do not want to look the world in its face. A comfort hole as it were which you can crawl into or a rabbit hole you can fall into like Alice and be transported to a world far from the one you live in. Where you can for a while lick your wounds, soothe that troubled mind, prop that fractured spirit and then step out again ready to face the next curve ball…

A ‘go to’ person is an absolute necessity. And, no, it cannot be you! There is something unsettling about a mind shouting silently at you or talking aloud to oneself. Whether it is a friend, a spouse, a sibling, a parent or your progeny – the criteria should be somebody who will not be judgmental. There is nothing worse than pouring your heart out to another person only to hear criticism in response. “Why did you?” “Why don’t you?” “You should have, could have…. blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

How can anyone be so presumptuous in telling you how to feel? Among the few things we can call our own the three most important are our heart, our mind and our body. Nobody and I mean nobody can tell you how to feel, how to think or how to look. These three choices equal freedom from the tyranny of other people’s expectations and beliefs. 

The last ‘go to’ is food. Whether it is chocolate which goes straight to your thighs and hips, a glass of wine that goes straight to your head or a tub of ice cream that fills you with self-loathing – there is nothing wrong in seeking comfort in food.

I know, I know, all the health magazines bludgeon us on the head for using food to blunt our emotions. By all means say “No” to binge eating but when you hit rock bottom, pray tell me, is it a carrot that you will reach for or a piece of chocolate? Go ahead and eat what you want. We punish ourselves enough without the external manipulation of guilt. 

‘Go to’ whatever makes you feel good, less lonely and miserable and reaffirms your faith in life….

Nimmou Nilakantan

AN APP TO YAP

When I go for a walk alone, I find people either chattering away on mobiles or to their companions. So, I ring my few remaining friends (family just plain ignore my calls!) and always manage them to catch them at a wrong time – one is watching a show, another is with a client, another is in the bathroom!

The cell phone is now a functioning part of our body like the heart or kidney and with a breezy ‘Catch you later’ I am dismissed. I give up and decide to listen to music but after a while it gets boring. And that’s when it strikes me – I wish there was an app that I could download as I walk alone.

Let’s call him ‘Giri’ the Indian male counterpart to ‘Siri’ (the tech app which gives you all the info you need). You talk and ‘Giri’ listens and is programmed to intelligently respond to breaks in the conversation with an interested “Hmmm” or a lively interjection of “Is that so?” when you pause to catch a breath.

Because, let’s face it – most of us have a lot to say and would rather talk than listen. And admit it, who isn’t fed up with the one- sided conversations with our silent half as they are engrossed with anything other than our scintillating conversation? I would love to be able to pour out my feelings to an app and not be held accountable for anything I say.

If we can have fitness apps, social media apps, shopping apps then why hasn’t some genius come up with an app we can talk to? Call it Yap App and mark my words it will lead to fitter relationships not to mention fitter bodies and minds.

Over the ages people have begged for a sympathetic ear (Mark Antony) and some have even lopped off their ear swayed by passion (Van Gogh). Humans need ears – to listen to them. It’s all very well for  Bridget Jones to write in her diary but today it is all about talking, walking and not so much writing.

Momma’s want to talk and not to old, deaf Poppa’s but to a kindred spirit and sometimes friends just cannot be found.

So c’mon you guys – don’t let this plea fall on deaf ears!

Nimmou Nilakantan