CHILDREN ARE PEOPLE TOO!

In January 2016 I wrote an article and published it in my blog (nimmou.blogspot.com) called ‘Parents are People too’ where I took pot shots at our grown up children. Six years later I am doing an about face and have written a kind article about our children - it is all in the title and before I am branded a turn coat (yes I am!) - remember the old saying is true- ‘If the shoe fits…’ Do read with an open mind and a ready laugh…remember in the court of life as is in the courtroom, for every prosecution there is a defence or in layman terms, there are two sides to every coin. Here is the other side….

Whoever said that the ‘Child is the Father of the Man’ got it wrong- and I don’t care of it was a famous poet or what he meant by it. All I know is that our children should never become our parents or be forced to adopt the role of a caretaker or caregiver unless it is by their free choice. Life is a game of chess but nowhere in the User’s Manual does it say that the parents are the Kings and Queens and the kids become the hapless Pawns. How do we prevent this role reversal that usually happens when we slip into old age/dotage and they become middle aged? Here are my pointers for prevention…

 1) Your children are not your mops/brooms or sponges to soak up all your complaints of an unfair world nor do they have to clean up the mess you make…literally and figuratively. Oh yeah, yeah, you did the same when they were little people but remember my opening salvo about role reversal? The child can never be the parent- the poet was wrong!

 2) Respect boundaries….you do not have to spill the beans on every dirty little secret in your life because you think you have a captive audience. Remember while you are doing that, they have a life too which you are cannibalizing with your daily trivia. Talk to a friend, talk to your spouse (a deaf ear is better than a captive one!) talk to your counsellor or just talk to the goddamn wall! But spare your child the horrors of your daily battle with an unfair world….

 3) When our kids were little we ensured their good health – now when they are grown up all we can talk about ad nauseum is our own! Whether it is that elusive bowel movement or even harder to capture forty winks, we have somehow made a Doogie Howser M.D of our adult progeny. Go to your G.P and for a nominal fee you can hold him hostage for the same twenty minutes. Please spare your kids even if they have M.D after their names and you paid a hefty sum to put it there. They paid their debt at birth by fulfilling your greatest dream- to be a parent. The score is even- move on! There are no winners in this game…

 4) Your children are not your friends – even if you are lonely and friendless. With an online world of infinite possibilities why would you want them to hang out with you? Find someone your own age that you can bond with about shared grievances especially that ‘sharp ingratitude worse than a serpent’s tooth’ (the great Bard got that right!) and when those ingrates you nurtured choose to hang out with you, give in with grace and a laden table. With the snipping of the umbilical cord let’s face it- the strongest bond is food- loads of it prepared by a mother’s loving hand… “Ma ka khana” now these are words of wisdom and immortality…

 And finally…remember your children have the power vested in them to give you a second chance after you screwed up their childhood and continue doing a fair job of their adulthood too. Your grandchildren are your ticket to redemption and your salvation too. Like the ‘Grand Wizard’ the title of ‘Grandparent’ confers magic in our lives and the power to grant that magic lies in your children’s hands. All your efforts in rearing them did not go in vain- those ingrates just do not know yet what it is to bear the cross of old age. Trust in Karma rather than trying to lasso these bulls. One day, their kids will grow up and they will be walking in your shoes. The boot will be on the other foot – till then kindly desist from planting it where the sun don’t shine…..

 Nimmou Nilakantan

4^th Jan 2023