HOW TO SURVIVE SICKNESS

Now, you know how babies feel as they lie helpless and have people drool all over them. Except, no one drools over you (you do it yourself in your sleep but that’s different) and the feeling of helplessness, as you lie sick in bed, makes a baby out of you. As you get a stream of well wishers to cluck and moan over you, you are denied the satisfaction of regurgitating your last meal over some of them. So, how do you cope? Definitely not by lying still and playing dead….

Of all the visitors sent by hell to plague ill people on earth, there are none as irritating as the bright and cheery souls dedicated to lift you out of your well of depression. She wafts into your room looking like a million bucks and as you gaze at her from your hollowed out eye sockets, you wish that the earth would open up and swallow her. Here you are lying with limp greasy hair spread over your pillow and in your oldest nightgown which bears mute testimony to untold disasters in the kitchen, your skin is exactly the same colour and texture as the lizard on the wall and here is this goody two-shoes bouncing around like a well decorated ping pong ball all over the room. If you had a little more strength you would draw the bedcovers over your head during the entire duration of her visit but since that’s beyond your current capabilities, you do the next easiest thing- close your eyes and meditate. And, don’t open them till your visitor leaves, unless you revel in feeling really sick…

In direct contrast to Ms Good Cheer is the “Seen it all, done it all type”. You might be dying of a rare, unheard of cancer but too bad pal- not only did she get it three years before but she actually died from it and was resuscitated by a combination of powerful drugs and even more powerful prayer. So what if you are lying there with every bone, muscle and sinew aching? Stop making such a fuss- it’s nothing compared to what she has been through and now look at her. With this model patient you cannot close your eyes and wish her gone as the likelihood of her leaning over and prising your eyelids apart is very real- nothing will thwart Ms Steely Determination. She has been through living hell and boy, is she going to do the same for you. She pats you on the back causing tremors to course through every part of your body, she ruffles your hair (omigod, more just fell out when she did that), she plumps your pillow, she bellows at you to be brave and then she impales you with her stern stare and informs you that she will come every day to monitor your progress. The only recourse left to you in the face of this grim reaper is to roll over and play dead-seriously…..

Then, there is the moaner. She knows she has a captive audience in you. Her husband has fled on tour and hasn’t returned in the past 16 years, her children have graduated and similarly fled the coop for distant shores and her maid unfortunately is a deaf and dumb mute. You lying there, are her last and only hope and boy, has she been waiting for this. As she launches into a detailed monologue of all the ills that plague her, you realize that a desperate situation like this calls for a desperate remedy. Offer her a cup of coffee and slip in two of your sleeping pills. The only one likely to notice her absence is the long suffering maid and what are the odds that she will talk about it.....

And then, there are those rare gems that bring you flowers, listen to you with real sympathy, cook you meals, run your errands for you and generally ensure that you get well as soon as possible. If you have such a friend, cling on to them for dear life. And, when it is your turn, as the good book says, do unto others….Now, now, put away that meat cleaver…..and grab that bunch of flowers.

Nimmou Nilakantan