1) Don’t believe her when she says it is the thought that counts- go buy those flowers stupid!
2) Stop doing the dishes and expect the earth to move-opt for those salsa classes and the marital bed might…hips don’t lie!
3) Being a good provider is just not enough-be a good listener to the entire litany of woes- bad hair, bad maid, bad friends, bad figure and keep that “I totally get you look” pasted on….
4) Be observant- compliment her on her weight loss every few days even if it takes a microscope to notice it….
5) Learn the word no and use it…have I become fat? No! Will you fall out of love with me if I do become fat? No! Do I look a hag? No! With a little practice and a lot of emphasis on the word no she will buy it…
6) Learn the word yes –and use it… do I look thin? Yes! Do I look young? Yes! Would you like to go out today? Yes! Do you like my family? Yes! Get the idea? And say it with emphasis…yes!...
7) Sharpen your memory skills, not just the short term memory. You need to lose that especially when it comes to marital spats! I’m talking about remembering birthdays, anniversaries, names of 31st cousins, and a few other of her favourite things. Otherwise the only overwhelming flavour in your relationship will be bitter and that is the opposite of sweet, in case you need it spelt out…
8) Wear different hats and change them constantly… friend, lover, favourite punching bag, sexy stranger- be quick on the draw and whip it out when the occasion demands it- not the leash silly, the hat!.....
9) Don’t talk about work. Just bring home the bacon and it will sizzle in the pan. Bore her with details and that bacon might find the eggs and fries in someone else’s dinner more to her taste….
10) And, finally- just do as you are told. Sit, stand, lie down, beg, wag….whoever said it’s a dog’s life got it absolutely right!
Nimmou Nilakantan
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