ABOUT FACE

Funny thing with Facebook – I was away for a few days and did not log in. When I did I saw twenty-five notifications, twelve messages, five events and two pokes. And, not one was relevant to me! Everything was to inform me about something new that happened, some crucial event I had missed, who posted what and which photo I was tagged in. And, just when I thought it couldn’t get worse I saw the two pokes from people I was not remotely connected to. And I was like ‘Yeah, you poke me in real life pal and I will push you, prod you and then pinch you for good measure’. A virtual poke to awaken the social, connected you? Jeez, c’mon! And why did these nosy pokers notice my absence whereas my 187 virtual friends did not even bother to ask – “Hey Nimmou, wassup?’

Now the real ones – I mean the flesh and blood ones I can see and actually poke and who will instantly pinch and poke me back – they called. Uh huh, that’s right. They used Graham Bell’s much neglected instrument to press buttons connected to numbers (not emojis with ‘Like’, ‘Love’, ‘Ha Ha’ or ‘Whoop-di-do’) to ring up and ask ‘Where are you, you ok?’ ‘Didn’t see you at the pool today’ – pool pals, real ones! ‘Why didn’t you walk today?’ – walking buddies, again real ones! ‘Missed you in the gym’ – the gym friends – you get the drift?

And oops, I forgot to notify Facebook that my birthday was on the 29^th of May. ‘Big mistake’ as Julia Roberts hissed at the sales girl in Pretty Woman- ‘Huge!’. I didn’t get a single birthday greeting on Facebook. Thank God for family who woke me up at sharp 6 am (sleeping beyond that is considered slothful, a sin of Biblical proportions) and subjected me to an off-key rendering of Happy Birthday. My dear, dear family who I regularly bad mouth but who do love me unconditionally. My flesh and blood friends called – not just the workout buddies but those who keep in touch through mail and phone calls. Even State Bank of India and State Bank of Mysore wished me a Happy Birthday via SMS. As did my Dental Clinic whose lighting bills I pay.

So now I am confronted with two choices – notify Facebook my birth date and feel virtual happiness when I receive one hundred and eighty-seven greetings from those I never see, meet or even know except through those carefully presented views and pretty pictures of sheer bliss – (yes, yes, I know, I too am guilty of both) or simply exit Facebook. What will I really miss here I wonder? 

Hilarious videos which give me belly laughs for one. Photos of other people’s exotic holidays which make me go green, see red and still like Pavlov’s mutt I press ‘Like’. All those wise sayings which I imbibe but never practice, those hundred household solutions I am too lazy to try, those heartbreaking stories that I cry over till I stumble across a funny video, those little nuggets of inspirational journalism – the list is endless. Where else can I get a ring side view of other people’s lives? Or have an instant solution to a boring interlude and instantly connect with somebody as jobless as me? 

To friend or unfriend Facebook – now that is a virtual dilemma! And who better to give me an answer but those virtual friends – c’mon now, I know you are out there…

Nimmou Nilakantan  

A NEW LINGO!

Soon after our children were born a funny thing happened. My husband and I stopped communicating with words. It happened slowly but surely and by the time we realized it the children were grown and gone. We had lapsed into ‘Groan’ language! A lot like sign language but instead of expending a lot of energy on hands and facial expressions this just required the use of vocal chords at a high decibel and one word – GROAN!

‘Your turn to feed the baby” – GROAN! “Take him to music class” – GROAN! “She needs to have her bite corrected so..” – GROAN!!!

The decibel level of GROAN increases with the perceived level of exertion and does not even wait for communication to finish. I blame the kids completely – they reduced their parents to primates. We just raised it a notch from a GRUNT to a more sophisticated GROAN.

But now, we have the ultimate weapon of mass communication in our arsenal – the MOAN! Yes, you heard it right. We have evolved folks. From groaning to each other we MOAN to the whole world and especially to our grownup kids.

“How are you Mom?” when the lumps remember their source of existence. 

“MOAN” and the conversation dies a natural death. No more listening to their litany of woes or lending that unsympathetic and partially deaf ear. That flew out of the window a long time ago and suddenly the empty nest held vast possibilities for improvement. 

Except for one permanent lodger of course. But, that is a cross that’s easy to bear. “Can I get a hot cup of tea love?” asked with that false note of hope, cheer and despair all rolled into one and immediately met with, you guessed it, the MOAN!!

Whoever said a picture is worth a thousand words got it partially right. A ‘MOAN’ is good for a thousand words AND covers the full picture….

Nimmou Nilakantan

A DIFFERENT RESOLUTION

Oh no! New Year looms and wouldn’t you know it when every magazine, newspaper, radio and all forms of social media focus on one thing and one thing only – how to get thin and fit into that little black dress on the 31^st December. Under the guise of ‘Physical Fitness’ you are bombarded with images of fatties who became thinnies by following XYZ diets and every day you hear on the radio a new workout plan to get you in shape in 30 days never mind the shape you are in now. Pious resolutions to eat healthy, drink less, exercise more and quit smoking are floated around like so many hot air balloons. Well, it is time to take out the pin or rather the pen, in this case, and burst those over hyped, inflated balloons. Here goes…

Okay, all of us lust after the body beautiful- for ourselves too! It has long been touted as the ticket to success, the visa to the promised land and the only road to Nirvana. Never mind mental or fiscal fitness, let’s get physical is the mantra for success. For years, our Yogis have saved every last breath to expound on the mind/body connection but all we have focused on is the body beautiful while the ugly mind rages within. Here is my take on tapping the beauty within for 2017…

BE KIND, BE LOVING

Whether it is a parent, child, neighbor or your domestic help – these are two qualities in short supply (apart from cash) and always appreciated. Okay, that is the equivalent of 100 crunches for the abs and instead of that flat belly, the flagship of a fit body, you have a loving heart, the flagship of a beautiful mind. Make the right choice….

MAKE TIME

Al of us are so busy working and working out we have no time to spare – unless it is on Facebook where pressing Like takes a nanosecond. Look around you and see the lonely parent, a depressed friend, a fearful child. All you need to give is your precious time to change a life. None of us are too busy for the things we love but when did we become too busy for the people we love? Now that is the equivalent of that 30 minutes of cardio on the treadmill and guess what? It’s better for your heart too….

SEE BEAUTY ALL AROUND YOU

In spite of the ugliness that surrounds us there is also beauty around us. We faithfully down carrot juice to improve our eyesight but we are so blind to nature’s bounty and beauty. That silvery sliver of the moon, those molten rays of golden sunshine, that wintery breath of cold fresh air early in the morning, those flowers glimpsed in the neighbour’s garden – there is so much to be thankful for. Also, the kindness of a stranger, the grace in the face of extreme poverty, the innocence in a child’s smile. Open that third eye to appreciate the hidden beauty around and watch the world do a 360 degree tilt. Now that takes care of your lunges, squats and prone planks – viewing the world from a different angle and achieving a higher plane…

EXTEND THE HAND OF FRIENDSHIP

We have become so competitive – who has a smaller butt, who runs faster, who has more designer gear – that we have forgotten to extend our hands in friendship. Bake a cake, call a friend, share a cup of tea and remember you are never lonely when you are being a friend. Let’s call this the equivalent of joining a studio and paying mega bucks to silently do Yoga among a group of strangers…

LEARN SOMETHING NEW

Like hamsters on a treadmill we go to work, work out hard, party hard and focus on decimating the competition. When was the last time you learned something new? A new hobby, played scrabble, learned a foreign language, wrote with your left hand? Doing the same thing day after day dulls our mind and we constantly seek new avenues to appease our senses. Instead of taekwondo, tame your mind – go ahead, it is more challenging than you think…

There it is in a nutshell. No fanatical fitness regime, no macrobiotic/probiotic crap diet, no wasting money to be entombed in a room with machines or strangers. Don’t have to think out of the box – just think! We are so busy controlling our body that we have forgotten our heart and soul! Now go connect the dots…

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Nimmou Nilakantan