MENOPAUSE-A MORTAL SIN

Menopause makes sexual deviants of us- instead of lusting for men, we lust for food. And that is why we put on weight and blame it on everything but our palates. If our men wore a block of cheese on their heads or put a piece of cake on a body part we would never reach for, we’d be all over them like a rash.

With menopause, a plate of food looks far more enticing than any man. And, along with the hunger for food the hunger for any kind of activity, mostly the sexual kind, reduces to zero. At least, performing in bed burns around 300 calories unless like the average Jane, you lie in bed like a cement block planning the day’s chores while your man does the grunt work. An occasional groan at the thought of pending work keeps him titillated and keeps you connected, well sort of...

So there you have it- Eureka! why women become whales at menopause. Instead of romancing the Stone (our husbands), we romance the plate. We might as well enjoy gluttony in our old age as we enjoyed lust in our youth.

As long as we are sinning, might as well go whole hog. Amen!

Nimmou Nilakantan

OUR SOCIAL NETWORK - NOSEBOOK!

People in most metros have pastimes; in Chennai - meddling is the No.1 pastime. With such a huge network of relatives, the opportunity to wreak havoc in each other’s lives is endless. The platform is all there. Weddings where one meets, greets and eats while poking one’s nose into the others affairs is the no.1 hunting ground. Deaths provide another opportunity to pry, albeit solemnly and in hushed tones. Births, naming ceremonies, 60^th birthdays, 80^th birthdays, housewarmings- the hunting ground is large and there is always some sitting duck who is the perfect target for an interfering old biddy who is too lazy to do anything but watch Sun T.V. and then enact the same drama elsewhere.

In Bangalore you see old people in parks with tennis shoes peeking out from under their saris, gamely waddling around or attempting Yoga Asanas or clapping their hands in glee in Laughter Clubs.

Her evil doppelganger in Chennai is the old hag in pattu saris with that diamond nose ring glinting evilly as she pokes her nose in, you guessed it, where it does not belong.....

Nimmou Nilakantan

(nee Writerberg, founder Nosebook, no followers, no income)

(Dec 23^rd, 2010)

OUR MUTANT PLANTS....

They blossom with studied neglect...but it is not flowers that bloom. Curled up leaves in different shades of yellow, brown and green and soil cracked in different geometric patterns. Stalks that stand proud in stark simplicity after leaves and flowers have withered and fallen out. Our plants represent a wasteland of different sizes, shapes and colours. And yes, they have a certain beauty invisible to the critical eye used to moist greenness and freshly turned earth.

Life is like our mutant plants. You just have to see beauty not always apparent on the surface. Conformity kills... it destroys the need to be independent and free spirited. Keeping up with the Joneses is just another way of always running and remaining rooted to the same spot. So, when people cluck when they see our wasted collection of indoor landscaping, I feel sorry for them. They haven’t opened the inner eye which sees beauty in the strangest places....

Nimmou Nilakantan

(Too lazy to water plants and yet energized to write about it!)

(Dec 23^rd, 2010)

DON’T BE A “DO- GOODER”- BE A “GOOD-DOER!”

Everybody is so busy trying to do good that there is a real danger that we might run out of people to do good to. Anybody you meet proudly announces that they are raising funds for so and so charity, helping the aged, guiding the blind, uplifting the poor, aiding cancer research till their “goodness” gives them a halo around their heads. So, where does that leave us poor mortals who firmly believe that charity begins at home and stuff our faces in a vain attempt to feel good? There is only one thing to do to counter these angels of mercy- no, do not grow horns to pierce their haloes but be the gracious receivers of goodness and I don’t mean charity. This is how it works….

You fall ill. Your friends rally around. Some genuinely want to help. Others want to feel good by visiting you and generally making a nuisance of themselves by offering help but not actually helping. This is how you become a “good-doer”. Let them visit you. If this means locking away your prize Rottweiler when they arrive and removing the padlock from the front door, so be it. Then ooh and ah about what a solace they have been in your time of need and how you could never have got through this without their help. Ergo- you have it. Without raising a million bucks for charity (best left to the professional do-gooders) you have made a person feel like a million bucks and surely that counts…..

All of us know that parents are brimful of advice. For years they turned a deaf ear to their parent’s well-meaning words and now they just cannot resist bending the ears of their re-calcitrant children. Lend them your ears! I quote. What does it cost you, apart from a deep well of resentment which you can then pass onto your children? This is your form of a “goody- doer”- by listening and seeming to hang onto every word you make your parents feel like God- and that to me is divine goodness….

Then there is your doctor who for a hefty sum is supposed to cure you of all ills. Poor guy, all he has to look forward to is a list of complaints and even his casual greeting of “how are you?” is met with a barrage of excruciatingly painful details. Try to be a bit more upbeat the next time you meet this doomed professional. Swear his prescription is working wonders even if you have chucked it into the bin and express your unswerving faith in his healing powers. Remember, faith does move mountains even if it cannot dislodge that hacking cough……

Then there is your 3^rd grade teacher who filled your report cards with rude comments that shaped you into the stunted individual you are. Nevertheless, you made more money in a career that she pronounced you unfit for and more than she could ever earn with her caustic comments in report cards. So, as you stride up the dais to receive yet another award for exemplary contribution to mankind’s progress, do her a favour- thank her from the bottom of your heart(you know the place where deep, dark feelings reside) and loftily declare that you would never have reached this far but for her unswerving faith(in your failures). So, instead of donating zillions to charity you have done your service to humanity….

There are endless opportunities to do good- just look around you. The spouse who took you for granted and thus forced you into deep conversations with your inner child, the servant whose unreliability propelled you into this multi-tasking dynamo, the kids who launched you into the brilliant business of thank-you notes with their endless ingratitude, the dog whose resistance to toilet training forced you to walk 4 times a day and turned you into a potential marathoner… The list is endless. There is goodness everywhere but my goodness, there’s none like the one that makes others feel good…..

Nimmou Nilakantan

THE PARENT TRAP

It is the manhole that most parents fall into- becoming the self-appointed guardians of our children’s happiness, even after they have become adults…

All very well when they were kids and we could assuage hurt feelings with a lollipop. Once they grow up, we still extend the lollipop not realizing they no longer need the sweet on top but just the stick- for supporting the actions they take whether right or wrong. The worst things we parents do are to try and sweeten their lives when it is no longer in our capacity or business to do so…

When they were helpless babies we had to take care of their every need; (as we keep reminding them not so gently) physical, mental and emotional. But, we just forget how to let go and still see ourselves as primary caretakers, not realizing that we imprison them with our care….

Learning to let go is the hardest lesson a parent has to learn. LET GO- let them make mistakes and learn from it. Listen to them, trust them and talk to them but put that sticky tape on your lips or suck on that lollipop yourself rather than launching into a diatribe about what to do. What worked for you does not work for them. They occupy a different body, a different mindset and just as a pair of eyes can view the same things differently, so too will they experience life’s differing hues and colours- therein in lies the beauty of evolution.

When it comes to health, parents become paranoid. We want our children to be free of the pain we suffered and unfortunately, as our suffering grows with our advancing years, so too does our yen to spare them the same. Life does not work that way…

The carrot juice that gave you 20/20 vision can give your child diarrhea- it is as simple as that. We know exercise is good for us but what we forget is exercising options is a vital tool in living life fully…

Being told what to do except by a doctor, is the most unpleasant medicine and that is one of the worst traps that parents regularly set for their children. Telling them what to do just because it worked for them….

Instead, equip them with the tools to battle life and let them use it as they deem fit .It is the only way a parent and offspring can have a healthy and loving relationship. Otherwise, fall into the manhole of thinking you know what’s best for your children even when they are adults and all you end up with is sewer rats for company. Gnaw on that for a while…. .

Nimmou Nilakantan

10 GOLDEN RULES FOR THE EMOTIONALLY CHALLENGED-READ HUSBANDS

1) Don’t believe her when she says it is the thought that counts- go buy those flowers stupid!

2) Stop doing the dishes and expect the earth to move-opt for those salsa classes and the marital bed might…hips don’t lie!

3) Being a good provider is just not enough-be a good listener to the entire litany of woes- bad hair, bad maid, bad friends, bad figure and keep that “I totally get you look” pasted on….

4) Be observant- compliment her on her weight loss every few days even if it takes a microscope to notice it….

5) Learn the word no and use it…have I become fat? No! Will you fall out of love with me if I do become fat? No! Do I look a hag? No! With a little practice and a lot of emphasis on the word no she will buy it…

6) Learn the word yes –and use it… do I look thin? Yes! Do I look young? Yes! Would you like to go out today? Yes! Do you like my family? Yes! Get the idea? And say it with emphasis…yes!...

7) Sharpen your memory skills, not just the short term memory. You need to lose that especially when it comes to marital spats! I’m talking about remembering birthdays, anniversaries, names of 31^st cousins, and a few other of her favourite things. Otherwise the only overwhelming flavour in your relationship will be bitter and that is the opposite of sweet, in case you need it spelt out…

8) Wear different hats and change them constantly… friend, lover, favourite punching bag, sexy stranger- be quick on the draw and whip it out when the occasion demands it- not the leash silly, the hat!.....

9) Don’t talk about work. Just bring home the bacon and it will sizzle in the pan. Bore her with details and that bacon might find the eggs and fries in someone else’s dinner more to her taste….

10) And, finally- just do as you are told. Sit, stand, lie down, beg, wag….whoever said it’s a dog’s life got it absolutely right!

Nimmou Nilakantan

notes to myself

Don’t try to be the best- be the best you can be. Better yourself rather than besting others. There is a huge difference. Be happy with what you can achieve to the best of your potential rather than competing with somebody else’s talent or ability. Why limit yourself? You can go the furthest, beyond what you imagined, but if you set yourself a horizon dictated by another’s capability then you will never achieve all that you can..

Negativity is the worst personality trait. It sabotages effort, dims the view of the future, shatters hope and impedes progress. The negative vibe can drain the battery of our body so fast that we can actually die in situations we consider hopeless- like poor health. Whereas, positive energy charges us, infuses us with hope and gives us courage and a fighting spirit- the essence of life is optimism. Banish the negative person and the negative thought- both are harmful to health…….

Nimmou Nilakantan

HOW TO SURVIVE SICKNESS

Now, you know how babies feel as they lie helpless and have people drool all over them. Except, no one drools over you (you do it yourself in your sleep but that’s different) and the feeling of helplessness, as you lie sick in bed, makes a baby out of you. As you get a stream of well wishers to cluck and moan over you, you are denied the satisfaction of regurgitating your last meal over some of them. So, how do you cope? Definitely not by lying still and playing dead….

Of all the visitors sent by hell to plague ill people on earth, there are none as irritating as the bright and cheery souls dedicated to lift you out of your well of depression. She wafts into your room looking like a million bucks and as you gaze at her from your hollowed out eye sockets, you wish that the earth would open up and swallow her. Here you are lying with limp greasy hair spread over your pillow and in your oldest nightgown which bears mute testimony to untold disasters in the kitchen, your skin is exactly the same colour and texture as the lizard on the wall and here is this goody two-shoes bouncing around like a well decorated ping pong ball all over the room. If you had a little more strength you would draw the bedcovers over your head during the entire duration of her visit but since that’s beyond your current capabilities, you do the next easiest thing- close your eyes and meditate. And, don’t open them till your visitor leaves, unless you revel in feeling really sick…

In direct contrast to Ms Good Cheer is the “Seen it all, done it all type”. You might be dying of a rare, unheard of cancer but too bad pal- not only did she get it three years before but she actually died from it and was resuscitated by a combination of powerful drugs and even more powerful prayer. So what if you are lying there with every bone, muscle and sinew aching? Stop making such a fuss- it’s nothing compared to what she has been through and now look at her. With this model patient you cannot close your eyes and wish her gone as the likelihood of her leaning over and prising your eyelids apart is very real- nothing will thwart Ms Steely Determination. She has been through living hell and boy, is she going to do the same for you. She pats you on the back causing tremors to course through every part of your body, she ruffles your hair (omigod, more just fell out when she did that), she plumps your pillow, she bellows at you to be brave and then she impales you with her stern stare and informs you that she will come every day to monitor your progress. The only recourse left to you in the face of this grim reaper is to roll over and play dead-seriously…..

Then, there is the moaner. She knows she has a captive audience in you. Her husband has fled on tour and hasn’t returned in the past 16 years, her children have graduated and similarly fled the coop for distant shores and her maid unfortunately is a deaf and dumb mute. You lying there, are her last and only hope and boy, has she been waiting for this. As she launches into a detailed monologue of all the ills that plague her, you realize that a desperate situation like this calls for a desperate remedy. Offer her a cup of coffee and slip in two of your sleeping pills. The only one likely to notice her absence is the long suffering maid and what are the odds that she will talk about it.....

And then, there are those rare gems that bring you flowers, listen to you with real sympathy, cook you meals, run your errands for you and generally ensure that you get well as soon as possible. If you have such a friend, cling on to them for dear life. And, when it is your turn, as the good book says, do unto others….Now, now, put away that meat cleaver…..and grab that bunch of flowers.

Nimmou Nilakantan

10 Golden Rules -teenagers

10 GOLDEN RULES FOR THAT HAPPY HAPPY RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR TEENAGER….

1) Admit you were wrong even if you know you were right….

2) Then apologise for being right even if you know it’s wrong….

3) Accept that they know everything and you know nothing…

4) And, even if they do nothing pretend that they are doing everything they can- which is nothing…

5) Don’t seek out their company- they will find you when they are hungry or poor…

6) Avoid the “talk”- you know, the one about the birds and bees. They are better informed and don’t want to hear or talk about it with you…..

7) Never try to be their friend! Dictator-fine! Tyrant-they can handle that! Nag- that’s comforting but friend!!! Dude, get a life of your own - seriously…

8) Dress like a mum when their friends are around or throw an apron over that mini and go bake a cake. Mum’s should never be seen or heard, hence the old expression-“Mum’s the word…..”

9) Resist the urge to re-decorate their room till they have flown the nest. What seems like chaos is actually a highly thought out military manouever to repel aliens- that’s you!

10) And finally- as the good book says-“And this too shall pass.” You however might fail to keep your sanity till they grow up, but that’s another story. Watch this space…..

Nimmou Nilakantan

How to survive your son's exams

Your son's board exams start on the 1st of March. The countdown has begun…Your son is walking around as if he has Mount Everest resting squarely on his shoulders, your husbands ulcers have flared up at the thought of a payment seat in case he doesn't do well and as for you --- you are walking the tightrope between the voice of sanity and the blubbering nervous wreck you are within. Here are a few survival skills to see you through examination blues.

            1) If ever there was an oxy-moron, 'Study holidays' is it. Your son is now full time at home to study so the 8 hours of freedom when he was in school is gone forever. Now you have to wake up even earlier, not to prepare packed lunches, but to wake up that surly hulk snoring in his bed. You barely get him out of bed by enticing him with hot coffee when he totters to the sofa and collapses in it. The battle to waken this sleeping giant has begun and it is still 6 a.m. with the whole day of other battles still to be fought. All right, let's take one battle at a time. As any mother of a teenager will tell you, waking a teenager using bare fists is as ineffective as trying to wake up Rip-Van-Winkle. And the clock is ticking  … Go to the nearest store and buy 3 alarm clocks with the highest decibel alarm possible. Set them within 10 seconds of each other and shut the room door. If a screaming teenager does not emerge at the appointed hour, I'd be very surprised. That's the first battle won…

            2) Breakfast is the next scene for a crossing of swords. For years this child had to be coaxed to grab a mouthful before he runs to school. Now he lords over the table like a gourmand and demands a 3-course meal (anything to postpone the study hour!). Here you are, frantic to get him started and conscious that the first of March is fast approaching and all this hulk can think of is food. It's enough to drive you insane. This is where strategy steps in. Give him sprouts, salads, hi-fibre bread and fruit, passing it off as 'brain food' and watch how the breakfast hour is magically shortened. Pander to his needs of bacon and eggs and you have a soporific hulk slumped over his books and you might as well begin to check those investments for that payment seat….

            3) Enemy No. 1 where studies are concerned is undoubtedly cable TV. This is when you wish you could throttle all those guys with a length of cable for bringing more cause for major battles to be fought. You go to the bathroom and your son runs and switches on Star Sports. As if the run rate of India is going to have a direct bearing on his scorecard. Or you step out for a moment and you return to find him watching cartoons with a glazed look on his face. And a sheepish 'I was taking a break' explanation. As long as that TV menace sits crouched in your living room, not much studying is going to get done. If it's not cricket, cartoon or the violent movie on AXN, then it is Channel V or MTV on full volume with that fat surd singing. Don't start arm wrestling with your hulk for that remote. It's undignified and he will win anyway. This is the time to pull the plug- literally. Cut off the cable connection for the crucial two months and don't cry over the lost soap operas. Two months of abstinence is better than a lifetime of regret and believe me, having your son for a lifetime will leave you with a lot of regret….

            4) This powergame is one that all teenagers excel in- 'power over mum'. Here you are straining every nerve and sinew to ensure conditions at home are conducive to study and here he is finding some excuse to chicken out of hard work. So begins the tussle for supremacy. Your goal is to ensure that he studies 8 hours a day and his' is to ensure that he doesn't. You try to make life so easy for him so he isn't distracted in his pursuit of your noble goal- he twists it around to make you his slave. He refuses to make his bed (it will waste 5 minutes and I can do 2 sums in that time), doesn't put his plate away (I'm concentrating, don't disturb me), doesn't have a bath (I'm just about to crack that equation), in short, he is turning into a slob under the guise of a future monster. Relent now and not only will you have an unwashed teenager hanging around indefinitely, but you might still have to pay for that engineering seat. Make him do a few chores. It relieves the stress of studying continuously and gives you a breather from being nurse, nanny, jailer and mother rolled into one.

            5) As the exams approach, you find you lose a few vital things-

a) your friends

b) the phone

c) your sanity 

And not necessarily in that order. As you reach for the phone, your son charges up to you and grabs the phone. He has to make that important call to his friend to discuss that physics problem. He spends one hour discussing cricket and five seconds on the problem while you anxiously wear your fingertips to the bone drumming it on the table.

Your friends no longer drop in for informal chats or cups of coffee. They take up too much space - physical space. Your son, while studying, needs to pace up and down like a caged Bengal tiger. As he beats a well-worn path from bedroom to drawing room, you have no choice but to remove all physical objects from his path. Exit all but understanding best friends. As if that is not enough provocation for murder (in one fell swoop you have lost the phone and your friends), he turns you into his personal lackey as well. 'Mum, I need this Xeroxed now. Mum, that mixie noise is sooo loud. Mum, can I lie on your bed and study. Mum, make me a hot cup of tea, and so on and on and on, till you are hanging by a thread to your sanity.' Remember that payment seat and keep hanging in there…

            6) Exams are barely two weeks away and the stress is mounting. Your house is now like a tomb- a deathly silence prevails but for a few incoherent sounds from your son's bedroom, which you hope is his diligent mugging. The radio is silent; the TV dead, the phone never rings except for him to discuss more physics- in short, your life, as you knew it has come to a complete standstill. And suddenly your son says he wants to quit studies and join films. Your first reaction would be to beat him to pulp and lay him to rest along with all his study books piled on top of him. Desist- this is pure exam nerves and this is what years of motherhood and coping with various crises has prepared you for. Remain calm through his wild ramblings, take him for a long car ride and then steer him gently back to his books. You may now go to your room, lock the door and have a quiet nervous breakdown…

            And finally, take heart. You are not alone. There are millions of suffering mums all over the country facing same nervous crises that you are going through as you anxiously await D-day. So, why don't you do the same- write down your experiences, get it out of your system and hopefully instill a little courage in other fellow sufferers.

And, yes … ALL THE BEST!

Nimmou Nilakantan

(1320 Words)