THE COUNTERFEIT NOTE

A parent’s job description, in the early years of child rearing, is very clear – act as an early warning alarm when they see their children head towards disaster and pick them up preferably without the hard slap and I-TOLD-YOU-So- after the warning has been ignored and the kid got hurt.

When the children grow up follow the simple policy of no warnings and no finger wagging. Save all the lectures, recriminations or the injured martyr act and spare yourself the heartache of relegation. Take solace in Karma.

Karma is nothing but a kindness returned and cruelty redoubled. Resist the grim satisfaction in knowing that a lesson has been taught though there is the inevitable heartache and anguish that in spite of the trip alarm you so painstakingly set up your dumb ‘kids’ still fell. Pick them up, dust them off, wash the scrapes and cuts and comfort them.

If you cannot do that, then you are the fake currency that devalues the whole parent child/adult relationship. And very soon the ‘children’ will realize there is nothing to be gained by the promissory note that is only fit for I-told-you-so and not I-owe-you. They will turn a deaf ear, a blind eye and a hard heart to the very people who brought them into existence but could not condone their mistakes.

God never intended parents, in their dotage, to only be binoculars scanning the horizon for danger. Nor did he put a whistle around their neck to blow at the first hint of trouble. All children have to embark on their own voyage of discovery and if they do not want to listen to you for God’s sake- mute the volume unless you want to be white noise.

Beyond a point, it makes no sense to keep repeating things like a parrot and then squawk in indignation when it falls on deaf ears. Ask yourself this- “What value do I have in this relationship – the gold coin or the counterfeit note?

Some things in life cannot be bought but we have to remember that somethings also cannot be sold. And, true love falls in both categories….

Nimmou Nilakantan

WASSUP?

WHATSDOWN WITH WHATSAPP!

Nostradamus predicted that in the 21^st century the biggest cause of death will not be cancer but depression caused by loneliness. Technology is ensuring that his predictions come true. The one thing that connected humans was conversation- live, one-to- one communication with words. Now, thanks to Facebook, Whatsapp and other what-have-you’s we are fast losing the ability to connect through conversation.

 Take Whatsapp-it’s a commentary not a conversation folks! You have all the time to respond which does not happen in real time scenarios. Someone says ‘hello’ we answer and get talking. Not so in Whatsapp. Somebody posts a picture and we comment on it. Sometimes, hours later, when we see it! And, if our comment is met with stony silence it is not because we have hurt somebody’s feelings but because they have moved on leaving us to presume, ruminate and get left behind! The basic premise of communication is two or more people being present at the same time and on the same topic. On Whatsapp it is disjointed bits being presented with nobody present! 

And, it has made liars of us all. We gush over pictures we abhor, we agree with views that polarize us just to maintain communication and we watch with unabashed glee as somebody else becomes the object of ridicule. We sit like mute monkeys watching the show that only emphasizes our loneliness. We are then confronted by Hobson’s choice- damned if we do and damned if we don’t!

Facebook has reduced mankind to one digit to express all our emotions and one finger to press the icon that shows the emotion. It has recently added as a sop to the emotionally lazy a whole lot of emoticons to choose from thereby reducing the crushing burden of words. Slowly the degrees of separation from animals gets lesser and lesser. Just as a bark and growl spans the gamut of a dog’s emotion with the visual clue of a tail wag, soon we humans will be reduced to our thumb and index finger with a frown and smile as the sum total of all meaningful communication.

Generations later, our descendants will ponder the puzzling lyrics in the carol “All things Bright and Beautiful” especially the lines- ‘He gave us eyes to see them, and lips that we might tell’-then scratch his head for a minute and go back to doing what we bequeathed to them- a race which is all thumbs and does not have an emotional clue!

Nimmou Nilakantan

A BEAUTIFUL INSIGHT

A BEAUTIFUL INSIGHT

After many decades of marriage to the same person the relationship often lapses into mutual dislike or a cordial intolerance. All the irritations of the past, suppressed because of jobs, health and the little people one made together, raises its ugly head once one retires from two crucial jobs- livelihood and parenthood. How does one stay together and live in peace and harmony when one realizes after 40 or 50 years together that the man you called husband is a stranger? Here are a few survival tips to avoid getting entangled in the high voltage wire otherwise known as marital strife….

TIP#1

Retirement is not the time for cozy togetherness. All these years your relationship thrived on each doing their own thing with the primary focus on the job that needed to be done whether it entailed bringing home the bacon or frying it for those hungry mouths. Carry on the same way- it worked all these years and if you stop now it will end up with you holding up a magnifying glass to the shortcomings of your partner. There is a reason the traffic signal turns from red to green- to keep you moving. Ditto in your relationship- do not stop, pause, reflect or ruminate. Just keep doing- Nike it or Nuke it has to be the marriage mantra…

TIP#2

Keep certain areas of the house a strict NO ENTRY ZONE! Primarily the kitchen and the bathroom. You no longer have to share the bathroom because two kids were hopping on one leg to use it. Go mark your territory and spread all those creams and lotions without having to leave a cubic centimeter of space for all those functional toiletries that men thrive on and you want to slash your wrist with. Prop that scented candle in the space where a dog eared magazine that smelled like the toilet bowl provided for his relaxation in the loo. For your space to be beautiful you need to evict its messiest tenant- your husband. No marriage manual says you have to share bathroom space- in fact the more space there is the better your marriage. Ditto for the kitchen. Unless he is the kind who loves to clear the sink as token of his love or whip up a gourmet meal to show his undying gratitude for all the sacrifices you made (youth, beauty and sanity) a man in the kitchen is like waving a chequered flag- you revel in leaving him biting the dust. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust is the untimely demise of togetherness in marriage before we shrug this mortal coil…

TIP#3

We look at those cute old couples walking hand in hand in the park and we think “Awww” envying their love and total devotion to one another. In all likelihood, reality is that she is holding his hand in a death grip, terrified that he will fall and break a hip and consign her to the role of a nursemaid for the rest of her weary life. If walking was not your thing as a young couple, old age is not reason enough to start now. Pity or tolerance is not a good ingredient in a healthy marriage. Carry on with your good natured grousing with your soul sisters as you walk together and leave your man to beat his favourite topic, politics, to death with his band of cronies. If we do accept the premise that women are from Venus and men from Mars then why on Earth do we choose to prove otherwise? To each, his or her own…

TIP#4

If you thought that after years of hurling terse commands at each other- “Pick her up now!” “Take out the trash” “Hurry up I’m waiting”, now is the time for long meaningful conversations- think again. The dismayed realization soon dawns that that ship has sailed into the Bermuda triangle taking all conversation with it. You are now confronted with a choice. Sharing cups of coffee with long silences or keeping it real. Be cheerful but steer clear from the pitfalls of being in the same room for long periods of time. Thank God for technology and hallelujah for T.V., Facebook, Whatsapp and whatnot- it has saved many senior citizens living together from a fate worse than death- sheer, mind numbing boredom….

And finally, yes, yes, we have all read and heard about those golden couples who trekked up mountains in their twilight years or joined that Rumba or Cha Cha class in the Senior Community Center or sat in devoted silence in cozy domesticity till death did them part.

Good for them I say but if most of us are to negotiate a path through the minefield of marriage and emerge with our heart, minds and limbs intact we need to stand tall- on our own two feet even when we are walking arm in arm…

Nimmou Nilakantan