PHONY GAFFES

Here is a list of questions never to ask people on the phone unless you want to put them on a spot. In which case, go right ahead and fire away....

How often do you pick up the phone and are confronted with that dreaded question- “Are you busy?” Say no and immediately admit by default that you are a pitifully underworked sod not doing enough for society. Say yes and you are the tyrant who has crushed that ooh- so - needy friend for whom you could not spare that spare minute. This is a no brainer- just hum a few bars of your favourite song in response to the query and your interlocutor will plunge right ahead with whatever they needed to get off their chest and spare you the guilt of the Yes or No. Now you are singing- to their tune....

“What are you doing?” is another dynamite question ready to blow your fragile ego to bits or your carefully constructed smokescreen. You could be lying on the sofa picking your nose- you just don’t want anybody else sticking theirs in. Unless you are splitting atoms there is really no worthy answer to this question. You can stick to the safe, middle-of-the path “working” or really stick it into them and answer brightly “working out”. Since that is the aspirational fitness mantra for most people, you just unloaded the guilt meant for you right back at them.....

“Got a minute?” is a question that tops the dreaded list. Here you are hopping on one leg trying to finish tasks due yesterday and you know you barely have .004 hundredth of a second to breast your personal to-do-list. And you know that behind that innocuous query is the Venus Fly Trap of an half an hour session which only benefits the questioner. As you hum and haw while the clock ticks away and your brain scrambles for an authentic exit clause, the countdown has begun and the rocket has launched. To all those who ask “Got a minute?” just say “NO”....

The one question designed to raise your blood pressure is that unwanted phone call at that ungodly hour which begins with that saccharine sweet voice asking you “Am I disturbing you?” Ok, unlike Archimedes you are not in your bath about to have a Eureka moment, but there are so many magical moments that are destroyed forever by that one phone call. It could be the anticipation of a delectable spoonful of sinful food about to be put into your maw, or the grand finale of a keenly followed T.V show or God forbid a rare moment when you feel mellow enough not to slap your partner’s hand away as he reaches for you and with that one bell you are knocked out cold. The person who calls knows that it is an inconvenient hour, hence the question. In such cases an answer is unnecessary. Slams dunk the phone, put it off the hook and just get back to what you were doing.

Some questions just have to remain unanswered. Many require a simple Yes or No, like an objective questionnaire. Life would be so much simpler if we stop justifying ourselves and answer truthfully with one word.

So, did you like my article? Just tick your response- Yes or No.......

Nimmou Nilakantan