HOW TO SURVIVE YOUR SON'S "HOLIDAY"

Yours gets over the moment theirs start- no, not your life stupid, but your holiday. You have been dreaming of this moment for the past11 months,29 days,24 hours, 56 minutes and 30 seconds to be precise. In other words from the time you waved a teary farewell to your sons at the airport, you counted the seconds till they returned. When they did, your heart swelled with pride as you watched your US returned sons tread their hallowed home soil. And the next thing you know they are treading all over your precious freedom...

Its amazing how quickly the transformation takes place. From independent, responsible adults they digress to helpless teenage mutants the minute they walk through the door of their former abode. As you bustle along to the kitchen to make their favourite treats they collapse on the sofa and don't get up for the next 6 weeks.

Apart from a "How I missed your cooking Ma" which only serves to whip you into another cooking frenzy, conversation quickly returns to the one succinct question-"What's to eat?". You bravely battle in the kitchen, ignoring sullen help who have no tender feelings in their breast for your alien offspring but you begin to crumble when you see used coffee mugs lying around. You begin to do what you swore you would never- you swear at your overgrown progeny. You might as well save your breath. They refuse to move for a week citing jet lag, and after that they just lie inert -the laggards.

Your favorite sofa where you enjoyed a lazy afternoon snooze has been commandeered by son No.2 while son No.1 has taken over the whole house and the T.V to boot. You and your husband walk around like harassed immigrants either putting clothes in the machine or taking them out to dry. No longer can you watch T.V since the remote is firmly clenched in the offspring's hairy hands- not that you had a minute to sit and view anything anyway.

You decide to put your foot down after 2 weeks since your legs feel like lead and your heart is brimful of unmaternal thoughts. You decide to recourse to the lecture- the one where responsibilities are clearly outlined, the law is laid down and you establish kindly but firmly that you are the boss. Just save your breath. It never worked when they were kids( except then you could gain instant gratification with one backhand slap for minor infringements) and it won't work now.

The two outstanding Phd. students who run their homes in the US, drive cars, cook their own food, do their laundry and listen to orders from their boss have mysteriously meta morphed into the slobs you booted out years ago- its their inner slothful egg which has hatched out again. Get wise- the next time your "kids" come home to visit, take them to a holiday home- a place where you can holiday and they feel at home. Otherwise, those tears coursing down your cheeks as you bid farewell at the airport could be one of sheer relief. Be smart and book a place right now as you exit the airport. You have exactly 11 months, 29 days, 24 hours, 56 minutes and 30 seconds before they return......

Nimmou Nilakantan