THE PARENT TRAP

It is the manhole that most parents fall into- becoming the self-appointed guardians of our children’s happiness, even after they have become adults…

All very well when they were kids and we could assuage hurt feelings with a lollipop. Once they grow up, we still extend the lollipop not realizing they no longer need the sweet on top but just the stick- for supporting the actions they take whether right or wrong. The worst things we parents do are to try and sweeten their lives when it is no longer in our capacity or business to do so…

When they were helpless babies we had to take care of their every need; (as we keep reminding them not so gently) physical, mental and emotional. But, we just forget how to let go and still see ourselves as primary caretakers, not realizing that we imprison them with our care….

Learning to let go is the hardest lesson a parent has to learn. LET GO- let them make mistakes and learn from it. Listen to them, trust them and talk to them but put that sticky tape on your lips or suck on that lollipop yourself rather than launching into a diatribe about what to do. What worked for you does not work for them. They occupy a different body, a different mindset and just as a pair of eyes can view the same things differently, so too will they experience life’s differing hues and colours- therein in lies the beauty of evolution.

When it comes to health, parents become paranoid. We want our children to be free of the pain we suffered and unfortunately, as our suffering grows with our advancing years, so too does our yen to spare them the same. Life does not work that way…

The carrot juice that gave you 20/20 vision can give your child diarrhea- it is as simple as that. We know exercise is good for us but what we forget is exercising options is a vital tool in living life fully…

Being told what to do except by a doctor, is the most unpleasant medicine and that is one of the worst traps that parents regularly set for their children. Telling them what to do just because it worked for them….

Instead, equip them with the tools to battle life and let them use it as they deem fit .It is the only way a parent and offspring can have a healthy and loving relationship. Otherwise, fall into the manhole of thinking you know what’s best for your children even when they are adults and all you end up with is sewer rats for company. Gnaw on that for a while…. .

Nimmou Nilakantan

10 GOLDEN RULES FOR THE EMOTIONALLY CHALLENGED-READ HUSBANDS

1) Don’t believe her when she says it is the thought that counts- go buy those flowers stupid!

2) Stop doing the dishes and expect the earth to move-opt for those salsa classes and the marital bed might…hips don’t lie!

3) Being a good provider is just not enough-be a good listener to the entire litany of woes- bad hair, bad maid, bad friends, bad figure and keep that “I totally get you look” pasted on….

4) Be observant- compliment her on her weight loss every few days even if it takes a microscope to notice it….

5) Learn the word no and use it…have I become fat? No! Will you fall out of love with me if I do become fat? No! Do I look a hag? No! With a little practice and a lot of emphasis on the word no she will buy it…

6) Learn the word yes –and use it… do I look thin? Yes! Do I look young? Yes! Would you like to go out today? Yes! Do you like my family? Yes! Get the idea? And say it with emphasis…yes!...

7) Sharpen your memory skills, not just the short term memory. You need to lose that especially when it comes to marital spats! I’m talking about remembering birthdays, anniversaries, names of 31^st cousins, and a few other of her favourite things. Otherwise the only overwhelming flavour in your relationship will be bitter and that is the opposite of sweet, in case you need it spelt out…

8) Wear different hats and change them constantly… friend, lover, favourite punching bag, sexy stranger- be quick on the draw and whip it out when the occasion demands it- not the leash silly, the hat!.....

9) Don’t talk about work. Just bring home the bacon and it will sizzle in the pan. Bore her with details and that bacon might find the eggs and fries in someone else’s dinner more to her taste….

10) And, finally- just do as you are told. Sit, stand, lie down, beg, wag….whoever said it’s a dog’s life got it absolutely right!

Nimmou Nilakantan

notes to myself

Don’t try to be the best- be the best you can be. Better yourself rather than besting others. There is a huge difference. Be happy with what you can achieve to the best of your potential rather than competing with somebody else’s talent or ability. Why limit yourself? You can go the furthest, beyond what you imagined, but if you set yourself a horizon dictated by another’s capability then you will never achieve all that you can..

Negativity is the worst personality trait. It sabotages effort, dims the view of the future, shatters hope and impedes progress. The negative vibe can drain the battery of our body so fast that we can actually die in situations we consider hopeless- like poor health. Whereas, positive energy charges us, infuses us with hope and gives us courage and a fighting spirit- the essence of life is optimism. Banish the negative person and the negative thought- both are harmful to health…….

Nimmou Nilakantan

HOW TO SURVIVE SICKNESS

Now, you know how babies feel as they lie helpless and have people drool all over them. Except, no one drools over you (you do it yourself in your sleep but that’s different) and the feeling of helplessness, as you lie sick in bed, makes a baby out of you. As you get a stream of well wishers to cluck and moan over you, you are denied the satisfaction of regurgitating your last meal over some of them. So, how do you cope? Definitely not by lying still and playing dead….

Of all the visitors sent by hell to plague ill people on earth, there are none as irritating as the bright and cheery souls dedicated to lift you out of your well of depression. She wafts into your room looking like a million bucks and as you gaze at her from your hollowed out eye sockets, you wish that the earth would open up and swallow her. Here you are lying with limp greasy hair spread over your pillow and in your oldest nightgown which bears mute testimony to untold disasters in the kitchen, your skin is exactly the same colour and texture as the lizard on the wall and here is this goody two-shoes bouncing around like a well decorated ping pong ball all over the room. If you had a little more strength you would draw the bedcovers over your head during the entire duration of her visit but since that’s beyond your current capabilities, you do the next easiest thing- close your eyes and meditate. And, don’t open them till your visitor leaves, unless you revel in feeling really sick…

In direct contrast to Ms Good Cheer is the “Seen it all, done it all type”. You might be dying of a rare, unheard of cancer but too bad pal- not only did she get it three years before but she actually died from it and was resuscitated by a combination of powerful drugs and even more powerful prayer. So what if you are lying there with every bone, muscle and sinew aching? Stop making such a fuss- it’s nothing compared to what she has been through and now look at her. With this model patient you cannot close your eyes and wish her gone as the likelihood of her leaning over and prising your eyelids apart is very real- nothing will thwart Ms Steely Determination. She has been through living hell and boy, is she going to do the same for you. She pats you on the back causing tremors to course through every part of your body, she ruffles your hair (omigod, more just fell out when she did that), she plumps your pillow, she bellows at you to be brave and then she impales you with her stern stare and informs you that she will come every day to monitor your progress. The only recourse left to you in the face of this grim reaper is to roll over and play dead-seriously…..

Then, there is the moaner. She knows she has a captive audience in you. Her husband has fled on tour and hasn’t returned in the past 16 years, her children have graduated and similarly fled the coop for distant shores and her maid unfortunately is a deaf and dumb mute. You lying there, are her last and only hope and boy, has she been waiting for this. As she launches into a detailed monologue of all the ills that plague her, you realize that a desperate situation like this calls for a desperate remedy. Offer her a cup of coffee and slip in two of your sleeping pills. The only one likely to notice her absence is the long suffering maid and what are the odds that she will talk about it.....

And then, there are those rare gems that bring you flowers, listen to you with real sympathy, cook you meals, run your errands for you and generally ensure that you get well as soon as possible. If you have such a friend, cling on to them for dear life. And, when it is your turn, as the good book says, do unto others….Now, now, put away that meat cleaver…..and grab that bunch of flowers.

Nimmou Nilakantan