How to Survive Menopause

The Worst Period of your Life

Menopause is not terminal- however; there is every chance that you might kill somebody. Here are a few tips on how to survive the worst period of your life……

DON’T SWEAT THE SMALL STUFF……

An easy enough dictum to live by but impossible to follow when you are sweating by the bucketful in the middle of the night and have to get up to change the bed sheets. Here you were in the prime of adulthood, having left behind those nightmare memories of diaper changes and endless night feeds till somebody pulled the plug out of your cushy life. Welcome to the world of the big M where a hot flush does not signify a full hand in poker or thundering success but a dripping nightgown and an all consuming rage. Now is the time to bring out the skimpy lingerie that lay gathering dust at the back of your cupboard because a) it made you seem like a Sumo twin and b) it made your overworked husband break into a cold sweat at the prospect of a night time romp instead of flopping in front of the T.V .Take that cold shower and dress sexily. Not only does it keep you cool but its amazing how losing all that water makes you a couple of kilo’s lighter. Strike one for Menopause….

THOSE MOODY BLUES OR THOSE BLOODY MOODS….

Whichever way you look at it, just blame it on Menopause. Never mind that you were always irritable or who knows (apart from your mother) that you were born moody and apart from rare instances of genuine good humour, you were always capable of snapping off someone’s head in the blink of an eye. The high attrition rate of the domestic help is a sure indicator of those bloody moods and husband and kids bear mute testimony to those moody blues. But, just blame it on Menopause…. It’s the perfect alibi and a trillion other women all over the planet will attest to the fact that it made monsters out of them. If murders can be committed while sleepwalking, then surely moodiness can be attributed to Menopause and since it can last for years, go ahead and behave exactly as you please. You are laying the ground for senility which is the next phase and lurking just around the corner….

BLOOD, SWEAT AND TEARS….

While it makes for an awe inspiring speech by a world leader it is the usual sequence of events for the menopausal woman. Here you are enjoying the freedom from the monthly curse when without warning it strikes again and usually when you least expect it. You go to a party and sit on a white sofa.  Suddenly you feel that sinking sensation that you last associated when you were in the 1^st standard and could no longer hold that pee in anymore. This time you break out into a cold sweat and as you raise yourself a half inch and furtively peek, your worst fears are confirmed and you feel your eyes welling over… The only comfort you can draw is that it will be a great story for your host to tell her grandchildren. Be prepared. Like the knights of yore who put their women in chastity belts before embarking on long journeys, put in all the gear necessary to prevent such accidents. It is rather hard to walk away from a puddle of blood with aplomb unless you have just decapitated a chicken…

BEAUTY AND THE BEAST

Ok, you were never a beauty but now you look in the mirror and see a beast! And all that talk about inner beauty makes the last few hairs on your head stand up. It is totally unfair that women have to bear the double whammy of menopause and losing everything but weight. The skin sags, the hair thins, the hips balloon and horror of horrors, sometimes acne strikes again. With hormones going crazy one begins to resemble a mutant teenager assembled in a mad scientist’s den. And while your husband ages gracefully with that thick head of salt and pepper hair, that trim physique enhanced by slightly broader shoulders and just the beginnings of a belly artfully concealed by those silk shirts, here you are unraveling like Snow White’s mother in front of, no not the magic mirror, but menopause. This is not the time to go to the local beauty parlour for that makeover. Nothing short of black magic is going to work so delve deep into your mother’s age old beauty secrets. Down those supplements, up that soya intake, enroll for that yoga class (ditch those Bollywood dance classes, one wrong move could snap those osteoporotic joints) and just open your third eye- you know, the one that sees inner beauty….)

JOIN THE SISTERHOOD OF THE BIG M

The Koreans had the Moon Moon cult, the hippies had their marijuana and you have the Menopause. You are not alone. In this age of broadband (and your stage of broadbeam) wi-fi and internet connectivity, reach out to your sisters out there. Form a bond of blood, literally. Call yourselves what you will but build a platform to address all those endless woes of menopause. Young moms band together in playgrounds and apart from eyeing young Dad’s enjoy cribfests about their offspring. It’s your turn to re-live the horror minus the brat and the dishy Dad. Just let it all flow out……

As the wise old book says “And this too shall pass…”. It would be easy however if society would make some allowances for the menopausal women just like they do for senior citizens or the disabled. You know, something like giving a pass with a big M stamped in red. Armed with it you are empowered to break queues, be rude, eat without paying at restaurants etc, all the things you yearned to do in adult life but just didn’t have the guts to. In Biblical times there was Moses to part the Red sea with a wave of his hand. Today’s modern woman has a much more potent force in her hand- no, silly, not a 9mm Mauser, but yes you guessed it- Menopause!!!

Nimmou Nilakantan