My Special Mother

Every year I used to ring up Amma on Mother's Day. "Happy Mother's Day!" I would trill. "Aiyyo" she would respond, "you are the only one who remembers to wish me". Now, there are four of us and Amma thought, like synchronized swimmers, we should do everything together. So, though Amma's statement was true at 7 am, I knew by the end of the day all four of us would have come good. For Amma, it was always ' that moment' that mattered.

"No one gives me flowers" was another pet peeve and later when a bouquet arrived from Suddha in Boston, she went into raptures about Meena Periamma's darling children, much to my annoyance. When I did buy Amma flowers, she scolded me for 'wasting Nila's money' ( it never struck her that I did earn a few paltry pennies of my own!) or she would say " Oh no, I have no vases ya, where will I put them?" .But Amma did love receiving flowers, second only to receiving phone calls with all the burning news.

Conversations with Amma had no beginning or ending. She never bothered with a greeting but just picked up from where she last left off. If she had  asked me to eat oats the previous evening, her morning phone call would begin with " Nimmou, did you eat oats?' and when I sarcastically retorted "And a very Good morning to you Ma..' she barely let me complete the sentence before picking up on two key words- "Good" and " Morning" and go off on her pet peeve... " Good Morning Pah! what bloody good morning, that bitch Pooja did not come and my heart is killing me..."

Then having said her piece she would ring off to pick up the conversation later in the day. I miss that most about Amma- her skipping the inanities and just cutting to the chase. Of course, when she was alive, i berated her constantly about it, not that she let it bother her. Her infamous weapon in her armoury of advice to Nimmou was " Eat oats and say Om"- neither of which I did and thus according to Amma suffered from poor digestion and a weak mind.

I miss you Amma. I hope the angels give you a bouquet of red roses in heaven and you are surrounded by souls who appreciate the wisdom in all your words. And, look down and know your daughter has never stopped loving you.

Happy Mother's Day...

CONSIDERATION- A NEW PERSPECTIVE

Treat your parent with love but more than that, treat them with consideration especially when they are old and you are an adult. What is consideration- Con Side Ration, which means you ration the con side when giving them any news.

When you were a kid, at the drop of a hat you ran whining and whingeing to them about your troubles. You always laid the dead rat at their doorway and they dealt with it. STOP DOING IT NOW.

They are old and they have enough trouble dealing with a thing called life without having a fractious ‘kid adult’ throwing at them problems regarding job/ spouse/ health ad nauseum.

Resist the urge to trumpet every achievement- they cheered your hideous art projects in school, sat through dull performances and now don’t make them clap with trembling hands.

Just because you are busy, do not be inconsiderate of their time. While the days remain the same length, time has slowed for them because they too have slowed down. Everything takes longer giving them less time to do it in and here’s the irony- they become busier doing less and hence their frustration.

Don’t add to it by taking chunks of their time with your problems. Your parents are not going to be around forever. Give them love without responsibility.

Now, behave like a responsible adult and stop crying on their shoulder- seek out your spouse and teach them the first lesson of marrying you- how to shoulder responsibility!

Nimmou Nilakantan

MOURNING

MOURNING

When your wife of  nearly six decades, passes away, you mourn not just her death, you are also bereft of your life, as you knew it. For 56 years you had your mate by your side and even if she was not physically present every moment of those years, like a vine she was entwined in the very fabric of your being. And, when that vine withered it was the mighty oak which supported it, that fell with a mighty crash.

And no one gets it.

They sympathize with your loss, they empathize with your loneliness but they just do not understand that you are faced with not one loss but two- her life and the life you had, with her.

The older you are the harder it is to uproot and re-invent yourself as a single entity. The pillar has gone and the edifice has nothing to support it.

In actuality, it is the reverse- the building has gone and with it the pillar, with nothing to support begins to crumble.

The bulwark needed the burden.

Community, children, grandchildren, friends are just tentacles that twine themselves around, seeking solace in offers of help, not realizing that what is left is a brittle shell crumbling bit by bit, wanting desperately not for words of comfort, but to join the one who has run their race.

Nobody wants to be left behind either in life or in death....

Nimmou Nilakantan

July 3rd 2013

The Marriage Ring

THE MARRIAGE RING

Why is marriage still looked upon by society as a cure for all evils? Earlier, when someone suffered from epilepsy marriage was touted as the best remedy. As if faulty circuitry in the brain could be re-wired by a legalized romp in the sack! Today, though India is in the league of economic giants, sadly we remain minnows in the face of a vengeful society that persecutes the unmarried. We have marriage forums like Bharath matrimony, Shaadi.com, Jeevan Sathi etc.etc. whose noble purpose is to bring two, starved for love, souls together while making a shitload of money in the process. It is nothing but a platform for the desperate plea of parents who look upon unmarried girls as an unwanted commodity to be dumped on the best bidder. And the boys become ‘bakras’ posting their profiles with the forlorn hope of ensnaring a partner to fulfill their dream of a fairy tale romance.

The ground reality is that both boys and girls are playing their parents in a dangerous game of Seek, Meet and Retreat. And, here is the paradox- you get your parents on the bridal bandwagon and join in the ‘seek the dream partner fest’ with little regard that this is not a mango mela where you settle for the juiciest fruit. These are real people with real feelings which get hurt with every rebuff.

So, while the hapless parents wring their hands in despair and yet doggedly pursue every lead in the matrimonial mayhem, the girls and boys happily press the delete button sending the desperate parents on yet another wild goose chase, while insisting they want to get married.

When are we parents going to remove the jasmine tinted glasses and tune out the clamor for wedding bells? I know- when we parents take a firm stand and tell our ‘kids’ to go forth, seek and find your own! If not, go forth and multiply (in other words f##k off) and face the damn consequences.

We are tired people and just want to flop in our favourite chair and drink a cup of tea in peace. We do not want to be matchmakers or candle stick makers and yet we are forced by a relentless society which sniffs a bachelor/spinster past their ‘sell by date’. The dreaded query ‘Your daughter/son is still not married?’ launches us into yet another frenzied attempt to woo people we know precious little about except what we glean from their carefully doctored (and mainly padded up) profiles of themselves.

After having my fingers burned in this mug’s game of finding a ‘suitable’ bride for my son and getting rejected by girls on the flimsiest of pretexts (usually masking a desperate desire not to enter the state of matrimony) I have a word of advice to other long suffering parents. Love and respect your children’s choices. They are not goods to be auctioned off and you are not fulfilling their destiny by finding them a marriage partner.

And, to the next nosy relative/frenemy/ colleague/ neighbour who solicitously enquires about the marital status of your progeny, look them in the eye and tell them the wedding invite is in the mail- it is time to cash our cheques folks!

Nimmou Nilakantan

542 words

TO AMMA

A year has passed

You have not gone

I hear you in the music

That you listened to at dawn

You have not gone

Because now I clearly see

That love is in actions

Not in words spoken to me

How can you be gone?

When each and everyday I feel

Your warmth and love

In every tasty homemade meal

A year has passed, I do not mourn

That you are no longer on earth

Death can never take away

The life you gave me at birth

I do not cry, I have no cause for tears

Because I know I’ll always be

The daughter you loved, while you remain

My dearest Amma till eternity...

Your daughter,

Nimmou

23^rd December 2012

YOGAARGH!

I know why Yoga has endured as a way of life for so many centuries. It suits the contradictory nature of the human spirit and supports Newton’s 2^nd law- for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.

In Yoga if you want to live to the fullest the most effective asana is the ‘Shavasana’ where you lie still and play dead. Apparently nothing rejuvenates you more than playing the corpse-zaps the life force and sends it zinging through those million inert cells.

Want to achieve peace of mind and soothe those shattered nerves? Easy peasy! No, don’t go to a quiet corner and close your eyes. Instead, take a deep breath and expel the air while producing a loud ‘Om’ sound loud enough to bounce off the walls and wake your comatose neighbor, 3 blocks away.

For years your body betrayed you. You didn’t walk upright, you shuffled along while every joint creaked and groaned and your doctor sternly ordered you to join a Yoga class. And you thought, why the hell not? Nothing could cripple you further than your arthritis or your finances.

And, you were being offered the straight and narrow path to salvation minus pills and potions. That is when the ‘aargh’ component of Yoga comes into effect. Every spinal twist, knee bend, hip contortion is the ‘Yogic’ way to get the body to straighten up. Hold impossible poses in different angles and directions and voila!, you are no longer early man shuffling along but limber modern man, as fit as a fiddle.

‘Yogaargh” also teaches you one of life’s most important lessons-you just cannot take anything for granted. We unenlightened lot thought that breathing was the one thing that came naturally (after the first unkind slap to get us started) and did not require our undivided attention. Well, the first shocker, as any good Yoga master will kindly point out, is that not only should we focus our complete attention to our breathing but that most of us are doing it all wrong.

So, to achieve that elusive Nirvana it is like being transported back to kindergarten and being told a countless times to breathe deeply, inhale and exhale. Apparently, if you want a flat belly you have to do exactly the reverse- inflate it like a balloon and then deflate it. And here most of us uninitiated ignoramuses have been wasting our time and energy trying to stand tall, tuck in our tummies and swing our arms gracefully as we walked. No wonder people turn to ‘Yogaargh’ in droves- it is life’s invaluable lesson condensed in one pithy saying-DON’T HOLD YOUR BREATH!

Nimmou Nilakantan

Aerobic Instructor

(Always Hyperventilating)

A NEW LEASE OF LIFE

 

The bane of old age is a life full of peaks and troughs.

The boon is you have all the time in the world to climb out of those troughs and you don’t have to don mountaineering gear to do it.

If you accept that every day of the rest of your life is going to be a challenge then, and only then, can you gear up for it.

In youth we are so busy conquering hurdles to get ahead.

In old age we do the same just to maintain status quo.

Accept and embrace the difference.

The attitude of youth has to give way to the acceptance of old age. You just need to cultivate a taste for it, like our palettes, which learn to accept healthy but non- spicy food.

And once you do, why then, every victory tastes sweeter than the last and you, and only you reap the rewards.

No more sharing with friends, family or colleagues- this is your sole conquest.

This is the golden age. Where, everything you do is ‘you-centric’ (rather than the ‘eccentric’) – embrace it with an open mind.

Nimmou Nilakantan

AN INSIGHTFUL BIRTHDAY

AN INSIGHTFUL BIRTHDAY

Birthdays are not just occasions that mark the day you were born- they are far more significant. This is the day you faced your first eviction after 9 months notice. And, the heartless landlord who chucked you out after much bawling and a whole lot of blood, sweat and tears was none other than your mother. No wonder all of us have such Jekyll and Hyde relationships with our moms. For nine months she provided you with the best water bed of your life. No slumber was as sweet as those nine months of floating in animated suspension. Food was piped in 24/7 through a tube. And then life’s first harsh lesson was taught to you by your mother-‘All good things come to an end’.

With her sigh of relief came your cry of pain and the first war of emotions began. Whenever she laughed, you cried and vice versa. You were out of sync in the emotional plane from the first hour of birth and it continues till death. And, though the cord is cut at birth it immediately begins a slow but powerful re-growth that no doctor, lawyer, husband or child can ever sever. They can dent it, twist it, tug at it but it just keeps growing and binds you to this one woman forever. Even if you try to reach and snip it just grows rubbery and snaps like an annoying elastic band, back in your face.

Pretty soon after birth you face eviction from another favorite hangout- Mamma’s milk bar.

But, she never stops feeding you. She feeds you comfort when you need it most, she feeds you advice when you least feel like it, she feeds you forgiveness when no one else will, she feeds you love when you have given her many moments of hatred- she is God’s ultimate cook and you feast your whole life remembering only occasionally to thank her. And, that is why the day she dies begins the slow starvation- that is when the cord of life that bound you to this supreme source of nourishment is ruthlessly severed. 

If you have lost a mother, the loneliest day of your life is your birthday. You realize that you are celebrating alone- your ally, your partner, your soul mate, your confidante, your friend, your critic and your favorite punching bag and comforter has gone forever. 

And for the rest of your life, this will be the day you celebrate without the only person who gave you the best gift- a thing we take for granted called ‘life...’

Nimmou Nilakantan

May 29^th 2012

(5 months after Amma died)

Personalised Poetry Service

My personalised poetry website is finally up and running...

Check it out at http://personalisedpoetry.co.in

To Amma

To Amma

If God had an army
He would have placed you at the Head
But you were needed more on Earth
So he put you here instead

If the phone had a purpose
You made it amply clear
It was an instrument to be used
To bring everybody near

If self help books were based
On one simple creed
You showed us by example
To reach out to those in need

Nothing could stand in your way
When in pursuit of a goal
Honesty and immense courage
Were the hallmarks of your soul

So many journey through life
Leaving no footprint on the ground
You charged every life you touched
You were lightning accompanied by sound

No Da Vinci code or Rubik’s cube
Could ever be more of an enigma
We spent a lifetime with you
And still could not solve your persona

If death could be looked upon
As giving life a fresh new start
I know dearest Amma you’ll live forever
In each and every loving heart

Your loving daughter,
Nimmou