FOR AMMA
I made the mistake every girl makes as she grows older and
becomes a woman- I never thought of my mother as a person. She was just ‘Ma’ enunciated
in varying tones of annoyance and anger. ‘Maaah’ when I was exasperated, ‘Mah’
barked in anger, ‘Maw’ when I felt a little tolerant. I never thought of her as
Kamala or the loved daughter of my grand mom. She was my mother and I was soooo entitled to her love.
And after she died all I had left was guilt and regret. Why
were my eyes so blind that I could not see the human under the label of Ma?
Being a mother is like being branded – you become the property of those you
love and lose your persona. And children are the worst taskmasters. My mother’s
work was never done and we daughters were a piece of work alright. After we got
married we leaned on her heavily once the children began to arrive. As our
children grew up the brand name changed – from ‘Amma’ she became ‘Pati’ and the
demands kept growing.
We celebrate a mother’s
love as something so pure and deep that it has almost become a religion. We
forget the human and deify the sanctity of the relationship.
Did my mother ever want to shrug off the mantle of mother
and grandmother? I don’t know. I was too selfish to ask about her needs, her
wants and her desires. When she did talk
I just wouldn’t listen. I was too busy ensuring I got my due from her. And now
when she is gone I feel an emptiness that no amount of food or love can fill.
Now I am ‘Ma’, Maaa’, ‘Mah’ or ‘Maw’ to my kids I know exactly how it feels. Even after they
have grown they occupy center stage in my life and I want to scream – “Look at
me, Listen to me, Hear me!” I am not just Ma – I am a woman. I am human. I too
want. I too need. I too desire. Don’t just love me – acknowledge me. Look at me
– give me recognition. Treat me the way I want – give me consideration. Hear my
words and respond – give me understanding. Be loving – make my heart sing that
I brought you up alright. Ma is a title
and crown I wear so proudly on my head but there is a heart beneath that also
yearns to be felt.
I came into this world as me and I want to live and leave it
as me. Nothing is more important than treating a human as an individual without
a label. Ma is just one of them.
This one is for you Kamala…..
Your daughter,
Nimmou
