Funny thing with
Facebook – I was away for a few days and did not log in. When I did I saw twenty-five
notifications, twelve messages, five events and two pokes. And, not one was
relevant to me! Everything was to inform me about something new that happened,
some crucial event I had missed, who posted what and which photo I was tagged
in. And, just when I thought it couldn’t get worse I saw the two pokes from
people I was not remotely connected to. And I was like ‘Yeah, you poke me in
real life pal and I will push you, prod you and then pinch you for good measure’.
A virtual poke to awaken the social, connected you? Jeez, c’mon! And why did
these nosy pokers notice my absence whereas my 187 virtual friends did not even
bother to ask – “Hey Nimmou, wassup?’
Now the real ones – I
mean the flesh and blood ones I can see and actually poke and who will
instantly pinch and poke me back – they called. Uh huh, that’s right. They used
Graham Bell’s much neglected instrument to press buttons connected to numbers (not
emojis with ‘Like’, ‘Love’, ‘Ha Ha’ or ‘Whoop-di-do’) to ring up and ask ‘Where
are you, you ok?’ ‘Didn’t see you at the pool today’ – pool pals, real ones! ‘Why
didn’t you walk today?’ – walking buddies, again real ones! ‘Missed you in the
gym’ – the gym friends – you get the drift?
And oops, I forgot to
notify Facebook that my birthday was on the 29th of May. ‘Big
mistake’ as Julia Roberts hissed at the sales girl in Pretty Woman- ‘Huge!’. I didn’t
get a single birthday greeting on Facebook. Thank God for family who woke me up
at sharp 6 am (sleeping beyond that is considered slothful, a sin of Biblical
proportions) and subjected me to an off-key rendering of Happy Birthday. My
dear, dear family who I regularly bad mouth but who do love me unconditionally.
My flesh and blood friends called – not just the workout buddies but those who
keep in touch through mail and phone calls. Even State Bank of India and State
Bank of Mysore wished me a Happy Birthday via SMS. As did my Dental Clinic
whose lighting bills I pay.
So now I am
confronted with two choices – notify Facebook my birth date and feel virtual
happiness when I receive one hundred and eighty-seven greetings from those I
never see, meet or even know except through those carefully presented views and
pretty pictures of sheer bliss – (yes, yes, I know, I too am guilty of both) or
simply exit Facebook. What will I really miss here I wonder?
Hilarious videos
which give me belly laughs for one. Photos of other people’s exotic holidays
which make me go green, see red and still like Pavlov’s mutt I press ‘Like’. All
those wise sayings which I imbibe but never practice, those hundred household
solutions I am too lazy to try, those heartbreaking stories that I cry over
till I stumble across a funny video, those little nuggets of inspirational
journalism – the list is endless. Where else can I get a ring side view of
other people’s lives? Or have an instant solution to a boring interlude and
instantly connect with somebody as jobless as me?
To friend or unfriend
Facebook – now that is a virtual dilemma! And who better to give me an answer
but those virtual friends – c’mon now, I know you are out there…
Nimmou Nilakantan
