A BEAUTIFUL INSIGHT
After many decades of marriage to the same person the
relationship often lapses into mutual dislike or a cordial intolerance. All the
irritations of the past, suppressed because of jobs, health and the little
people one made together, raises its ugly head once one retires from two
crucial jobs- livelihood and parenthood. How does one stay together and live in
peace and harmony when one realizes after 40 or 50 years together that the man
you called husband is a stranger? Here are a few survival tips to avoid getting
entangled in the high voltage wire otherwise known as marital strife….
TIP#1
Retirement is not the time for cozy togetherness. All these
years your relationship thrived on each doing their own thing with the primary
focus on the job that needed to be done whether it entailed bringing home the
bacon or frying it for those hungry mouths. Carry on the same way- it worked
all these years and if you stop now it will end up with you holding up a magnifying
glass to the shortcomings of your partner. There is a reason the traffic signal
turns from red to green- to keep you moving. Ditto in your relationship- do not
stop, pause, reflect or ruminate. Just keep doing- Nike it or Nuke it has to be
the marriage mantra…
TIP#2
Keep certain areas of the house a strict NO ENTRY ZONE!
Primarily the kitchen and the bathroom. You no longer have to share the
bathroom because two kids were hopping on one leg to use it. Go mark your
territory and spread all those creams and lotions without having to leave a cubic
centimeter of space for all those functional toiletries that men thrive on and
you want to slash your wrist with. Prop that scented candle in the space where
a dog eared magazine that smelled like the toilet bowl provided for his
relaxation in the loo. For your space to be beautiful you need to evict its
messiest tenant- your husband. No marriage manual says you have to share
bathroom space- in fact the more space there is the better your marriage. Ditto
for the kitchen. Unless he is the kind who loves to clear the sink as token of his
love or whip up a gourmet meal to show his undying gratitude for all the
sacrifices you made (youth, beauty and sanity) a man in the kitchen is like
waving a chequered flag- you revel in leaving him biting the dust. Ashes to
ashes, dust to dust is the untimely demise of togetherness in marriage before
we shrug this mortal coil…
TIP#3
We look at those cute old couples walking hand in hand in
the park and we think “Awww” envying their love and total devotion to one
another. In all likelihood, reality is that she is holding his hand in a death
grip, terrified that he will fall and break a hip and consign her to the role
of a nursemaid for the rest of her weary life. If walking was not your thing as
a young couple, old age is not reason enough to start now. Pity or tolerance is
not a good ingredient in a healthy marriage. Carry on with your good natured
grousing with your soul sisters as you walk together and leave your man to beat
his favourite topic, politics, to death with his band of cronies. If we do
accept the premise that women are from Venus and men from Mars then why on Earth do we choose to prove otherwise? To each, his or her own…
TIP#4
If you thought that after years of hurling terse commands at
each other- “Pick her up now!” “Take out the trash” “Hurry up I’m waiting”, now
is the time for long meaningful conversations- think again. The dismayed
realization soon dawns that that ship has sailed into the Bermuda triangle
taking all conversation with it. You are now confronted with a choice. Sharing
cups of coffee with long silences or keeping it real. Be cheerful but steer
clear from the pitfalls of being in the same room for long periods of time.
Thank God for technology and hallelujah for T.V., Facebook, Whatsapp and whatnot-
it has saved many senior citizens living together from a fate worse than death-
sheer, mind numbing boredom….
And finally, yes, yes, we have all read and heard about
those golden couples who trekked up mountains in their twilight years or joined
that Rumba or Cha Cha class in the Senior Community Center or sat in devoted
silence in cozy domesticity till death did them part.
Good for them I say but if most of us are to negotiate a
path through the minefield of marriage and emerge with our heart, minds and
limbs intact we need to stand tall- on our own two feet even when we are
walking arm in arm…
Nimmou Nilakantan
