THE IMPATIENT INDIAN

You see him everywhere- he is the hand that sneaks in to grab a plate at the wedding buffet while you, poor fool, waits patiently in a queue. He is the head which breathes noisily down your shoulder at the railway ticket counter and prevents you from turning around to go because he is so tightly wedged against your body. He is that pair of skinny legs that takes on the might of your hundred horsepower engine and defies you to smash him to smithereens while he jauntily jaywalks in front of your car. No waiting at pedestrian crossings for the light to turn green- he is THE IMPATIENT INDIAN and you just have to be grim and bear it. Or follow a few tips on how not to let your rising BP make you THE INPATIENT INDIAN....

TIP#1

Locate your funny bone- before you collide with THE INPATIENT INDIAN. Seriously, otherwise all that gnashing of incisors and molars will result in your dentist shoving that pink goo in your mouth for that perfect pair of dentures while he laughs all the way to the bank. You get the first laugh. All of us want to be first and not necessarily at the top step of the podium. That is reserved for Usain Bolt after his hundred meter dash. Our burning desire is to be the first in line and no training, no finely honed technique or tormented exercise schedule can better THE IMPATIENT INDIAN. He works on sheer gut instinct and survival strategies refined en masse. So, why get all red faced when someone cuts in? It is not as if we were pipped to the post after years of training. Laugh it off when that sneaky one gets past. Just shrug and tell yourself-“You have been Bolted!”

TIP#2

Make it a game- and be prepared to be the loser. Boarding the aircraft first, is a crowd favourite. You would think that a group that has forked out a fistful of money for the airline ticket would restrict themselves to playing Board games but there is no stopping, you guessed it, THE IMPATIENT INDIAN. They are just in their better dressed avatar. Like caged tigers they prowl near the departure gate hungrily eyeing the hapless airline employee manning the departure gate belt. Within a nano second of the departure announcement and the snap of the belt opening there is a surge of humanity. It is like a drop zone in a relief camp- the first sound of the  whirring chopper blades  and you have a zillion hands reaching out for that precious parcel of food. Even the old and infirm become spry with that golden plane ticket clutched in their gnarled hands. Okay, the plane cannot take off without you so it does not matter that you do not head the queue. You will be first off the shuttle bus and into the plane, so that’s a win for you...

TIP#3

BE PREPARED- when it comes to queues in wedding halls, the Scouts Motto comes in handy because your stomach will not be denied. It’s a nightmare scenario where THE IMPATIENT INDIAN meets the WELL DRESSED INDIAN and both lock horns like MONSTERS VS ALIENS- nobody is a winner here. Everybody is salivating at the thought of getting their paws on that feast on a banana leaf. There is a huge price to be paid for that  dining experience. The first hurdle is squeezing into rich fabric suitable for cooler climes. You are a rag before the second battle of parking the car because the bigger the wedding the more the parking chaos. You can barely enter the hall because the queue to bless the couple is now snaking into the road. You decide to first eat then greet but several others have the same thought. There is a longer queue for food and all the tables are full. THE INPATIENT INDIAN comes to wedding with one sole focus- to have a quick dinner and make a quicker exit. The only impediment standing in the way is the need to bless the couple. It’s a miracle that they do not catch fire and burn with all the impatient fury mutely directed at them- the only impediments to the quick getaway. Have your dinner before you go to a wedding and just soak in the atmosphere- the music, the colours and the harried guests and relatives. And, go for an unhurried, authentic buffet on a Sunday morning. You gotta pay for that fine dining...

And finally, here’s a tip- you want an orderly queue- MIGRATE! You are in the wrong country and you just cannot beat the population explosion. Whether it is at a traffic junction or a bus terminal it is always a matter of life and death to be first. The Pearly Gates were installed by God to keep out THE IMPATIENT INDIAN. Wonder how that’s working?

Only one way to find out..

Nimmou Nilakantan