THE MARRIAGE RING

Why do most marriages become deadly bouts in a boxing ring with the gloves off and the children the reluctant referees? What happened to the halcyon days when the biggest threat made by your mother was “wait till I tell your father”? Now she is so busy telling on him, when she is not knocking him senseless on the floor, the poor man has been stripped off his halo leave alone his authority. My parents are like Mike Tyson and Evander Holyfield and like Tyson; my mother believes in chewing ears off especially if it’s my Dads...

ROUND 1- “Your Dad never listens to me”. Naturally, he has no ears Ma, remember you chewed them off with your senseless drivel about servants, your endless rambling about the pain in each nerve, ligament and sinew, your not so insidious barbs against each and every relative on his side to name a few reasons why he won’t and can’t listen to you...

ROUND 2- “We never do anything together”. The last time you did do something together, we were the unfortunate result and look how that turned out...

ROUND 3- “He’s wedded to his computer”. Well, at least the computer did not call him names or demand to be taken to every 31^st cousin’s wedding, birthday or funeral or subject him to ridicule at every opportunity. Threatening to pull the computer plug was Ma’s weapon of ultimate destruction and in a fit of pique at not being taken for a walk she went ahead and did it... “Until death do us part” was strongly tested that day. However, both are still alive and kicking (at each other)...

ROUND 4- “He always turns the children against me and pretends to be a martyr”. Considering the “children” range in age from 45 to 53 surely they are capable of making up their own minds Ma! Not that you left us with half a brain to decide. By making all our decisions for us, no matter how trivial, you shrunk our brain to the size of a peanut...

ROUND 5- “I am going to leave him and live in an ashram in Pondicherry”. No nuclear threat has hung so promisingly over Dad’s head. All his prayers waiting for this dream to be realized evaporated each time like clouds over the Gobi desert.....

Well, the day the boxing gloves come off, one of them will be knocked out cold on the floor. Till then the sparring continues and we “kids” ineffectively count backwards into a zero we never reach...before that both are up and jabbing at each other again....

Nimmou Nilakantan

Child No.3

Age 51 years

NATURE’S GUIDE TO GROWING OLD

We have instruction manuals to operate technology, we have driving schools to teach us how to drive a car, we have parents who show us how to walk, talk and eat but why is there no learning manual to teach us how to cope with old age? As usual, when we cannot find answers within or without, we need to turn to the oldest and wisest teacher that God has provided- Nature...

Look around you. Everything ages. Leaves dry, curl up and fall. Flowers wither and fade, the puppy that gambols no longer bounds but lies still on the floor. Yet it wags its tail. Then why do we act as if old age is a punishment wreaked on us by a malevolent God? And why oh why do we vent our ire on the people who least deserve it- our adult “children”?

The first reaction to our growing weakness and inability to cope is anger. We get angry that our body has slowed while our mind races, that our shape has changed but our desires are constant, our appetite is strong but digestion is weak and then we turn upon our children. We see them enjoying the stage that is long gone for us and the joy that we felt when we watched them achieve milestones has now turned to resentment. They have it and we have lost it and they are a daily reminder of our heydays. This is the time to turn to nature...

When a bird shoves its fledging from the nest after teaching it to fly she does not keep track of how high it flies or for how long. Nor does she sit in her empty nest scanning the skies for her progeny who now flies higher, longer and stronger than she does. Her job done, she lets go and looks after herself. Be the eagle...

After anger and resentment, the other scourge of old age is the burning desire to arouse guilt. And heap it liberally on the only people who truly care- your children. When everything fades with old age, the one thing that remains fixed and strong is our opinion and the vehicle to voice it. So, we berate our “children” for being too busy (earning livelihoods) to care and keep pointing out how they “owe” it to us to take care of them in their old age as they did when we were young.

Seeing young puppies suckle their mother while she lies calmly is a common enough sight. When did you last see a dog carry food in its mouth and search for its mother to feed her? Only restaurants give doggie bag! Nature’s law is non-negotiable- the mother feeds the baby who eats, grows and goes. And the mother does not hound her offspring, bark at them or demand attention. She forms new attachments and goes about the business of taking care of herself. Be the dog, not the underdog.....

Knowledge especially self-knowledge is important. Know that your body will grow old and what was easy to do physically might be impossible to do later on. But the mind can always be youthful. If you accept that you will walk slower, eat less, need more sleep but get less, you won’t feel so resentful towards the youth who seem to have it all...

The lion teaches it’s young to hunt ensuring it will eat for the rest of its life. And sure enough the cub leaves the pride and strikes off on its own. As the lion ages its claws become blunter, its mane sparser till it can no longer hunt its prey. Does the lion like its human counter part pick up a phone and track its progeny to give a daily lowdown on how its life has gone down the toilet? Be the lion...

Ok man is not a beast and what separates us from animals is our power of reasoning. So why does old age rob us of our reason? If we had a set of rules or pointers maybe we will not see old age as a cross but a tick mark affirming that you lived life as humanly as possible.....

SIGNPOSTS TO AGING BADLY

1) When your son talks about his achievements instead of pride you have the urge to knock that smile off his smug face and remind him that what he is doing now you have already done before and much better than he did...

2) You speak to your daughters but never hear what they have to say. You gave birth to them so you own not just their bodies, mind and soul but the conversation as well...

3) The whole world is against you. Servants cheat you (who cares that they cheat everybody), your children don’t care (selfish ba###ds, your grandchildren don’t make time for you (sons of selfish bi####s) and after you spent your entire youth taking care of others, who is there to take care of you?

4) “I am alone, I am so lonely”- Seriously? In today’s world where there are opportunities galore to do good. Look around you, in this “evil” world there is always someone who is worse off than you. Go help rather than crying “HELP”!

5) What do I have to live for? If you have asked yourself that, the diagnosis is clear. It is not old age that you are suffering from- you have no soul. And when we become vegetative and don’t feel for anybody but ourselves why then it is time for us, like tubers, to be buried underground...

Nimmou Nilakantan

PHONY GAFFES

Here is a list of questions never to ask people on the phone unless you want to put them on a spot. In which case, go right ahead and fire away....

How often do you pick up the phone and are confronted with that dreaded question- “Are you busy?” Say no and immediately admit by default that you are a pitifully underworked sod not doing enough for society. Say yes and you are the tyrant who has crushed that ooh- so - needy friend for whom you could not spare that spare minute. This is a no brainer- just hum a few bars of your favourite song in response to the query and your interlocutor will plunge right ahead with whatever they needed to get off their chest and spare you the guilt of the Yes or No. Now you are singing- to their tune....

“What are you doing?” is another dynamite question ready to blow your fragile ego to bits or your carefully constructed smokescreen. You could be lying on the sofa picking your nose- you just don’t want anybody else sticking theirs in. Unless you are splitting atoms there is really no worthy answer to this question. You can stick to the safe, middle-of-the path “working” or really stick it into them and answer brightly “working out”. Since that is the aspirational fitness mantra for most people, you just unloaded the guilt meant for you right back at them.....

“Got a minute?” is a question that tops the dreaded list. Here you are hopping on one leg trying to finish tasks due yesterday and you know you barely have .004 hundredth of a second to breast your personal to-do-list. And you know that behind that innocuous query is the Venus Fly Trap of an half an hour session which only benefits the questioner. As you hum and haw while the clock ticks away and your brain scrambles for an authentic exit clause, the countdown has begun and the rocket has launched. To all those who ask “Got a minute?” just say “NO”....

The one question designed to raise your blood pressure is that unwanted phone call at that ungodly hour which begins with that saccharine sweet voice asking you “Am I disturbing you?” Ok, unlike Archimedes you are not in your bath about to have a Eureka moment, but there are so many magical moments that are destroyed forever by that one phone call. It could be the anticipation of a delectable spoonful of sinful food about to be put into your maw, or the grand finale of a keenly followed T.V show or God forbid a rare moment when you feel mellow enough not to slap your partner’s hand away as he reaches for you and with that one bell you are knocked out cold. The person who calls knows that it is an inconvenient hour, hence the question. In such cases an answer is unnecessary. Slams dunk the phone, put it off the hook and just get back to what you were doing.

Some questions just have to remain unanswered. Many require a simple Yes or No, like an objective questionnaire. Life would be so much simpler if we stop justifying ourselves and answer truthfully with one word.

So, did you like my article? Just tick your response- Yes or No.......

Nimmou Nilakantan